Amerikanos

[manni]

http://www.time.com/time....5,00.ht

ml

Time Magazine

06/17/2002

The Rest-of-the-World Cup

If there's a global tournament and we don't watch, does it

still make a sound?

Joel Stein

There are just two things about the World Cup that prevent

Americans from caring: it involves soccer and the rest of

the world. We could get over the soccer part eventually

--after all, it's kind of like the soccer we make our

suburban children play, only without the goal scoring. But

the global part just isn't going to happen. When I hear that

Tunisia is playing Belgium for the crucial Group H runner-up

spot, all I want is a map. The only way Americans are going

to learn another country's name is if it attacks us.

It's different for the rest of the world. Other countries

have all kinds of disagreements and problems with one

another. They are dealing with one another constantly,

making treaties and trading currencies and whatever else it

is they do. The World Cup is mildly entertaining because you

get to see them sublimate their little issues by kicking a

ball at one another, sort of like watching your children

backyard-wrestle. Senegal beats France, and the Senegalese

throw a huge party venting their anger over two centuries of

French colonialism. Imagine how much fun it is for anyone to

act superior to the French, and multiply that by Senegal.

And last Friday England and Argentina got to work out

whatever their deal was with those islands. The problem for

us, however, is that it's really hard to work up that much

antagonism when you're a superpower with a short history and

friendly borders. Last week we pulled off a huge victory

against Portugal. It didn't make us feel that great because

there's not much Portugal is better at than us, other than

making sweet wine and salted cod. This is a country that has

been in decline since 1494, when in the saddest, most

grandiose moment of self-delusion in history, it actually

sat down with Spain and divided up the world. Not even Brad

Grey and Mike Ovitz ever did that, at least not publicly.

When Iran beat us four years ago, the Iranians went crazy in

the streets. How anyone could have differentiated this from

what Tehran normally looks like, I'm not sure, but

apparently there were especially powerful American-flag

flames. But I'm glad they beat us, since we wouldn't have

enjoyed it if we had won. We don't throw ticker-tape parades

for beating Iran at stuff, because if we did, we'd be short

on ticker tape. The only thing we could possibly lose to

Iran at besides soccer is subjugating women. Now that Russia

isn't important, there's no one for us to get juiced about.

The Taliban, unfortunately, don't even have a soccer team,

which doesn't make sense since they spend all that time at

camps.

We have the same problem with the Olympics. We like those

new fake sports we force the Olympic committee to include so

we can win, like beach volleyball, snowboarding and

major-motion-picture production. But unless the games are

held either in America or Utah, we're not going to watch

people pole vault. Unless they get hurt doing it. Then we'll

watch it over and over again.

Sure, we could watch the World Cup, get rid of our steel

tariffs, sign the Kyoto treaty and build a coalition before

invading Iraq, but all that sounds like a lot of effort. We

have enough trouble persuading our states to get along

without involving the rest of the world in our activities.

When we trumpeted globalization, we were pretty clear that

we meant other countries acting like us, not vice versa.

If the world really wants us to watch their cute little no-

handsy sport, they've got to make an effort. The world has

done a poor job marketing this World Cup thing to us.

There's no Burger King tie-in, no campaign with Matthew

Perry going Soccer Crazy as a pre-emptive excuse for going

to rehab. Would it be too much to ask that France's Zinedine

Zidane develop Le People's Eyebrow? You know who's doing

World Cup commentary on TV? Me neither, but I'm pretty sure

it's not Snoop and Ozzy Osbourne. I can't understand why I'm

not in charge of everything.

And just because Americans grew up playing soccer in

adolescence doesn't mean we want to watch other people do

it; we also grew up bowling and arguing about who should

hang up first. The intrinsic problem with soccer is that a

goal can occur at any time, including breaks for nachos,

beer or the bathroom. Unlike the rest of the world, with

their soccer and cricket and goat malleting, we have

perfected our sports so that you only have to tune into the

last two minutes to see if Shaq can hit his free throws.

We're a busy people.

Look, we'll watch the World Cup when we win the thing and

not a second before.

Time Inc.

Copyright C 2002

[manni]

Ich frag mich nur , ob der das ernst meint oder ob das satire ist.

[MadMox]

Lies dir mal den letzten Absatz durch, das is ne Satire! So doof sind vielleicht die meisten Amis die ich persöhnlich kenne, aber kein Time-Redakteur!!!

[black-hawk-down]

Glaube auch eher, dass das eine Satire ist.

Interessante Stilmittel. Hätte ich von denen nicht erwartet.

z.B.: einige Hyberbeln....

Die werdens noch sehen, wenn Deutschland sie ins Land der vereinigten Amis zurückschießt! :D

[Arne]

they're fucking serious, dude!

-arne.

[manni]

Ok , ist Satire, dafür reichte mein Englisch nicht um die verbale Rafinessen zu erkennen. Zumindest scheint er den Durchschnittsami zu veräppeln.

[gertax]

ooh ja, der durchschnittsami wird veräppelt, aber leider bestehen die usa zu über 90% aus durchschnittsamis, und die sehen das wirklich alles so... ich bin schon froh dass ich in D lebe...